Love notes from Akatsuki
by acus magnetica
Summary: "You think you have everything I look for in a man? Than write a love letter to woo me, but don't write it to me, write it to one of your fellow Akatsuki members. Seal the letter and throw it into the cookie jar I've set up on my desk in my room. I will read the letters and date the one whose writing was most convincing. Love, Konan
1. The idea

"When you are the only woman in an organization like Akatsuki you have to bear in mind that every, _yes every_, single male member of said organization will try to hook up with you.

And you have to know that everyone of said male members is a bloodthirsty or paranoid freak.

You do have to admit that no woman in the whole wide world would go out with that bunch of idiots!" Konan stated and eagerly watched Pain mulling over her words.

"You have something in mind?" he asked lazily.

"Unfortunately, yes I do have something in mind", she replied.

"I wonder what that might be, my precious Konan. But go ahead, I won't intervene, promise."

"Thanks" she replied and motioned to leave.

"Konan?"

"Yes, leader – sama?"

"Make sure that I'm not caught in the fire line, will you?"

"I'll try, but I won't guarantee that", she whispered and vanished by falling apart into a million paper shreds.

The next morning Pain knew he was not only _in _the fire line, he was _under_ fire right away…

At the door that led to the dining room a bill was posted, reading:

**"You think you have everything I look for in a man? Than write a love letter to woo me, but don't write it to me, write it to one of your fellow Akatsuki members. Seal the letter and throw it into the cookie jar I've set up on my desk in my room. I will read the letters and date the one whose writing was most convincing.**

**Love, Konan**

All Akatsuki members stood in front of the poster and glared at the lines.

Finally Hidan spoke up: "Bullshit, what does that bitch think she's doing?"

"Apparently she tells us she'll date the one that's most appealing to her by using a fine language" Sasori muttered.

"Tobi is a good boy, Tobi will write the loveliest letter of all time to the lovely precious Konan!"

"Shut up you orange retard!", Hidan yelled, "Everyone here knows that I will woo and fuck the bitch!"

"I don't think you'll get her that way…", Sasori threw in.

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Just saying I think she goes for the polite guys…" Sasori answered.

"You mean the lifeless, stick – up – your- -arse type of guys, puppetface?" Hidan challenged him.

Sasori huffed.

"Now, I think this is what she wants…" Itachi murmured.

"Un, what do you mean, un?" Deidara asked.

"She wants us to fight. Like the knight fights for the princess!" Kisame concluded and Itachi and Kakuzu nodded in mutual agreement.

"Ah well, if that's the case, I think we all should play along!" Pain decided, glaring at Sasori and Hidan who stopped their constant bickering at once.

"Everyone will write a letter, I don't care how long it is, and throw it in the damn cookie jar! The deadline is tonight at 8 p.m. Make sure to give your best, the price for the best letter is an all inclusive date with Konan."

"You mean the organization will pay for that?"Kakuzu asked horrified.

"Yes, like I said before it's ALL INCLUSIVE!" Pain yelled, secretly cursing Konan for putting him in the same position like the other dumbasses.

He wondered if she was still angry that he had peeped at her while getting undressed on their last mission…

Konan had watched the scenario from a safe distance. Now she congratulated herself for that smart plan. She strolled back into her room to put the pink and red dotted cookie jar onto her desk, after that she went out for a long and relaxing day in the spa. Later that evening she would have a damn good time reading all those love notes…


	2. Too many notes

At about 10 p.m. Konan was lounging in her super comfy armchair and ready for the fun part of the day. She unfolded the first letter. It was from Deidara:

"Hey Danna,

Let me love you. Just for an instant, just for a second.

Let me color the sky for you…

And if you don't want me… Well I'll just blow you up…

…and be ensured: Wood burns pretty well…

Love Deidara"

Konan frowned - One lunatic was done, only eight more ahead…

Kakuzus' letter was next:

"My dearest,

I won't buy you shoes, clothes or other stuff… It is so expensive…

But I swear I'm experienced, talented and skilled.

And for sure, I've got 5 hearts beating for you…

PS: If you are into bondage, I think I can help you out…"

"Now that was kinda cute, besides the bondage stuff…" Konan murmured before reading the next letter:

"My dear blonde bitch,

I will treat you like the cheap whore you are…

I will beat you to within an inch of your life, and then, I'm going to have you!

You think you can blow this motherfucker up?

Did your brain suffer damage? I'm immortal, try as hard as you wish bitch! That won't work with me!

But I know another job you can blow up, if you know what I mean...

All hail Jashin, Hidan."

Konan keeled over laughing and had to take a 20 minute break, before she could carry on reading the next note:

"Our dear… we love your blonde hair…

…We're in for a threesome…

…we'd love to take you out for…

…dinner."

The rest of the letter was unreadable, because it was covered in drool and chewed of… "Zetzu is really disgusting…" Konan thought and wiped her hands on a handkerchief "I wonder what kind of dinner that would be. Lover on toast?" she sighed and unfolded the next piece of paper.

"Dear Deidara,

One look into your eye and I will know everything you wish for.

One look into my eyes and I will take you to a perfect, never ending world.

I know that you hate me, but for sure my love will be upright and honest. I am loyal, I am devoted and passionate. I'll never lose track of the things I really want to posses.

I'm a family person, I know how to handle kids and encourage them to thrive for the real thing in their life. If you meet Sasuke one day he will confirm that.

The calm and collected person I am would be a perfect match for your fierce and overflowing temper.

Maybe, one day, after a nice walk in silence, I could color the sky for you..?

Love Itachi"

"Cheesy and too much waffling…NEXT!" Konan commented.

"Dear Itachi,

You are everything I look for in a woman, you are loyal, well dressed, calm, collected, intelligent and reasonable. I will never forget the day we met or the day you helped me recover from the shock that my goldfish Peppo had died. I really do enjoy your company and our conversations (You're a very good listener indeed!)

Kisses, Kisame."

Konan rolled her eyes. "Are these guys really, like, serious? Okay, come on girl, only three more weirdos to go… You can do it..." She encouraged herself.

"Tobi is a good boy Senpai. We can have cookies and a tea party and I will show you my favorite places. By the way I like every place as long as you are with me ^o^"

Konan scrunched the letter up and threw it into her trash bin before she continued.

"Dear Hidan,

There's no getting around it, something about you has caught my eye. I wonder if it's your body or your contrary personality which would complement mine. Maybe it is, because I think you would be a puppet of outstanding quality, or maybe my motives are of a mere sexual kind, if you know what I mean… I although might want to add one last thought:

Even though beauty is, like art, everlasting and you are immortal I come to the conclusion that you must be art as well. (Even though I think it's a vulgar piece of art, quite a freak of nature…)

Yours sincerely, Sasori"

Konan raised an eyebrow: "Lovely" Finally she read the last letter:

"For God's sake Konan: I told you to keep me _out_ of the fire line!

Love Pain"

Konan started laughing again. So he was angry? Well if that wasn't cute!

She looked at the clock in her room by now it was 1 a.m. in the morning, she was sitting in the middle of 8 terrible love notes plus an additional one she kept save in the trash bin. "Alright!" She cheered. "It's decision time and I have to pick the lucky guy, who'll go on an all inclusive date with me. Let's see, who shall I choose..."

Surprisingly that decision was a quick one to make! And while Konan was getting ready for bed, still smiling and highly amused, the only thing she worried about was that nearly all of the guys had written their letters to a specific blonde. Maybe she should tell Deidara either to watch his back or change his style into a less girly fashion…?

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Well that's it. Thanks for reading my story, I hope you enjoyed it and please let me know which love note you liked best.


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